The Machine Has Spoken

You approach the self-checkout with optimism. A quick in-and-out. No human contact. Just you, your groceries, and a quiet sense of control. The machine disagrees.

The Annoyance

It happens. The mechanical voice cuts through the fluorescent hum.

“Unexpected item in bagging area.”

Everything stops. You freeze, mid-bag.

A wave of suspicion washes over you, even though you’ve done nothing wrong.

The camera above blinks its cold red light.

The universe watches you question your innocence over a bag of spinach.

The Absurd Diagnosis

Symptoms include guilt without cause, heightened paranoia, and an acute awareness of existing under surveillance.

Diagnosis: Retail-Induced Existential Disorder (RIED).

Cause: your fragile human trust being shattered by an algorithm with control issues.

A Low-Key Cure

Move slower. Pretend you belong in the moment.

Scan deliberately. Breathe like a monk who’s seen everything.

If the voice repeats, whisper “same” and continue bagging.

It throws the machine off. They can’t process irony.

The Witty Insight

The machine isn’t accusing you. It’s mirroring your own fear of being caught out in life’s little performances.

No one knows what they’re doing.

We’re all scanning barcodes we can’t see, hoping no one notices the void in the bagging area.

Conclusion

Eventually, an employee waves a barcode wand and sets you free.

You thank them like they’ve pardoned you from prison.

You exit the store, self-conscious and strangely lighter.

The machine wins again.